Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding Narcissistic Trauma and How to Heal
If you are currently experiencing or have previously experienced narcissistic abuse and looking for a way forward, trauma therapy can help.
If you or somebody you know is currently experiencing intimate partner abuse of any kind, there is help and you are not alone. Seek Help Now >
Narcissism is such a buzzword nowadays. Therapy language has been commodified to the point that sometimes these clinical words lose their meaning. However, I do think that it is important to validate the experiences of people who have survived or are currently experiencing this kind of abuse. These individuals often feel as though they are “going crazy” and that their realities won’t be believed by other people. This is my small part in rectifying that.
If you’re here because you’ve been asking yourself “Was it really that bad?” or “Why can’t I trust my own reality anymore?”, that confusion is a common after-effect of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting.
Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Traits: What’s the Difference (and Does It Matter for Survivors?)
Whether or not this is actually the truth, I often tell my clients that it feels like true narcissists are diagnosed via the therapy of their loved ones and not usually their own therapists. I want to be very clear that I am not demonizing people who have narcissism nor am I asserting that all narcissists traumatize people they are in relationships with. Not all of them look the exact same or avoid therapy.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
According to the DSM-5, these are the symptoms of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder may exhibit the following symptoms:
Have a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents).
Be preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believe that they are “special” and can only be understood by other special or high-status people.
Require excessive admiration.
Have a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment).
Take advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
Lack empathy: or is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
Show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Narcissistic Tendencies
Then, there are people who demonstrate narcissistic tendencies or traits. This essentially means that this person may have some of the aforementioned symptoms of narcissism but doesn’t meet all of the criteria for a full diagnosis. However, I’m not sure it fully matters in terms of the person who has survived the abuse.
From a healing perspective, what often matters most is the impact: ongoing manipulation, chronic emotional invalidation, and the nervous-system dysregulation that can follow.
What Is Narcissistic Trauma? Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Explained
Narcissistic trauma is complicated because it creates a different reality for the person who has endured the narcissist’s abuse. It shapes and changes the way they see themselves, others, and the world. Trauma is the lasting effects of experiencing a scary event in which somebody’s life feels threatened or needs are not met repeatedly. As with any abusive relationship, the trauma is repeated and consistent.
A person who is in a relationship with a narcissistic person who is abusive will often experience manipulation that serves the narcissist. The abuser in this situation generally gets to understand the person they manipulate so well that they know just the right word to say or look to give in order to make that person afraid enough or feel untrusting of themselves enough to bend to their will. Guilt tripping, boundary pushing, love bombing, and gaslighting are all hallmarks of this type of abuse.
DARVO: A Common Narcissistic Abuse Tactic
Narcissists often use a tactic in arguments called DARVO:
Deny: The person will deny that what you are saying happened. They do not take any responsibility for the thing that has caused harm.
Attack: The narcissist will then go on the offense, making that person feel bad about their character or their judgment.
Reverse Victim & Offender: The narcissist now asserts that the other person is the one who has caused them harm.
There are so many hallmarks of narcissistic abuse that are impossible to fully cover, but understanding the main traits is helpful. It is important to note that not all narcissists will demonstrate the same characteristics.
Also, understanding the definition characteristics of a narcissist using the DSM-5 criteria can help people to understand if what they are experiencing is this type of abuse. Narcissism is such a buzzword lately that people have come to misunderstand what it actually means, which muddies the waters of what this type of abuse can actually look like.
Common Symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse and What Survivors Often Experience
Survivors of and those currently experiencing narcissistic abuse may experience trauma symptoms such as a lack of self-trust, feeling as if they have become the aggressor, having low self-esteem, and being isolated.
Again, not all survivors respond in the same way, but there are definitely some similarities in what is common amongst this group.
Lack of self-trust
Their experience has been denied, challenged, and criticized so many times that they start to wonder if they are the problem. They wonder if the traumatizing thing they experienced really even happened at all. The trickle down effect of this is so impactful because it makes the survivor not trust their basic instincts or memories.
Feeling like they have become the aggressor.
Survivors will often say to me, “I honestly had to question whether or not I was a narcissist. I googled the traits because my partner had accused me so many times of being one, and honestly, I wasn’t totally sure they were wrong.” Look, survival responses often win out. Sometimes, in order to survive being in a relationship with a narcissist, that means taking on some of their characteristics to survive. It is important to depathologize this; recognizing it as solely a survival strategy and not them being a “bad person.”
Having low self esteem.
The narcissist’s goal is for the other person having low self-esteem. A person who is less confident is less likely to leave, less likely to challenge them, and more easy to manipulate.
Being isolated or having lost a lot of their social circle.
Again, a person who has little to no interaction with people outside of the narcissist’s circle is less likely to challenge the narcissist’s view of reality. There is nobody there to help bring insight into the survivor’s conceptualization of their relationship. The narcissist can be really smooth at manipulating the person out of their relationships. This usually happens slowly, over time.
Other common signs of narcissistic abuse trauma can include hypervigilance, emotional numbness, difficulty making decisions, and chronic anxiety in relationships.
This is not an exhaustive list of all of the ways a person is impacted by narcissistic abuse. It is incredibly important that we believe survivors and that we emphasize that a person who has experienced this kind of abuse is not weak in any way. This can, and does, happen to anybody, regardless of race, religion, socioeconomic status, or education level.
If you or somebody you know is currently experiencing intimate partner abuse of any kind, there is help and you are not alone.
Seek Help Now >
How Narcissistic Abuse Affects the Nervous System (Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn)
People will most likely be cycling pretty quickly between fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Because of the relational nature of the abuse, fawning can be a very strong response in survivors.
If you notice yourself people-pleasing, over-explaining, or feeling panic when someone is upset, you may relate to the fawn response.
They have learned that acquiescing to whatever the other person wants or says can be the easiest, safest way to go. (I have another blog post about fawn which might be helpful to read in this case.)
Here are some nervous system dysregulation symptoms that a narcissistic abuse survivor might experience:
Digestive issues
Headaches/migraines
Unexplained muscle tension
Development of autoimmune diseases
Heightened startle response
Disassociation
Brain fog/executive dysfunction
Difficult sleeping
Hypervigilance
If you want a deeper nervous-system explanation, you may also like to read: How Trauma is Stored in the Body and Why Talk Therapy Might Not Be Enough.
How Do I Heal From Narcissistic Abuse? Trauma Therapy and Practical Next Steps
This is a very complicated answer. Healing is a long process, but is entirely possible. It isn’t necessary to become the person you were before surviving narcissistic trauma, but to be proud of the person you have become after.
Interventions like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing are incredible ways to work through trauma. Just talking about it isn’t enough. Having corrective experiences in the therapy space and outside of the therapy space is important. Having more experiences that wind up good, that give the message back to that person that they are worthy, they can trust themselves, and that not all people are bad and incredibly important as they create new pathways in the brain that were weakened because of the abuse.
In our work at Embodied Healing, we’re especially mindful of safety, pacing, and stabilization, because the nervous system needs to feel resourced before deeper processing. If you’re curious about what makes therapy feel safe and effective (especially after relational trauma), you may appreciate this blog post: The Power of the Therapist-Client Relationship in Healing Trauma.
Happy healing!
Start Your Trauma Healing Journey With Somatic Therapy
At Embodied Healing KC, our trauma-informed therapists guide you with compassion and skill, helping you safely process emotions and build resilience. If you are ready to start healing from trauma and would like some support, reach out! Trauma-informed therapist Lauren Bradley has immediate openings and is ready to help you on your journey.
Frequently Asked Questions About Journaling For Trauma Healing
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Narcissistic abuse often includes patterns like chronic invalidation, gaslighting, blame-shifting, control, and cycles of idealization and devaluation. If you feel confused, self-doubting, or “like you’re losing your mind” after repeated interactions, it may be a sign that emotional manipulation occurred.
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Narcissistic trauma is the emotional and nervous-system impact of ongoing manipulation, coercion, and invalidation in a relationship. Many survivors experience hypervigilance, anxiety, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting themselves or others.
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Yes. Gaslighting can disrupt a person’s sense of reality and self-trust, which may contribute to anxiety, dissociation, depression, and chronic stress responses—especially when the pattern is repeated over time.
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Trauma bonding can happen when harm is paired with intermittent warmth, apologies, or affection. The nervous system may begin to associate relief with the relationship itself, even when the relationship is unsafe.
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Many survivors benefit from trauma-informed therapy approaches that support nervous system regulation and trauma processing, such as EMDR and somatic therapy (including Somatic Experiencing). The best approach is one that is paced for safety and tailored to your unique history.
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There’s no one timeline. Healing often happens in layers—rebuilding self-trust, restoring nervous system stability, grieving what happened, and practicing new boundaries. With the right support, meaningful change is absolutely possible.
Stevie Olson-Spiegel is a Licensed Therapist and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner located in Kansas City. She uses Somatic Experiencing as her main body-based trauma healing modality, as well as EMDR. As an Intuitive Eating Counselor, she uses these principles to help her clients challenge their relationship with their cultural misconceptions about their body and food.
