Common Trauma Patterns in Relationships (and How to Heal Them)
Often times in relationships, trauma patterns can be come a “third person” in the relationship, continuously causing the same arguments about the same things.
As a trauma therapist who does mostly somatic therapy work, I am often talking to people about their romantic relationships (and sometimes lack thereof). A lot of the time, people find that their (or their partner’s) trauma patterns have become a third person in the relationship. Oftentimes, the pattern that seems to repeat itself is outside of their conscious awareness. They don’t want to act this way but find themselves in the same spot time and time again; having the same argument about the same things. Here are some of these trauma patterns I see and some guidance on what to do about it!
Note: This blog post is not a substitute for good therapy. If you or your partner are experiencing any of these common trauma patterns in your relationship, we encourage you to seek out individual therapy with a trauma-informed therapist.
What Do We Mean by “Trauma” in Relationships?
When I say the word “trauma,” many different things come to mind for different people. Trauma doesn’t only mean the “big events” – it can also mean relational or developmental trauma (a trauma that happens over time), identity-based, or chronic stress. This is why we have the terms “big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma.”
How the Nervous System Stores and Recreates Trauma
Trauma shows up in the physiology. It isn’t something that is just cognitively remembered, like having war flashbacks. It can be deeply ingrained in our nervous systems, making trauma patterns subconscious and sneaky. It is why sometimes people find themselves choosing the same kind of partner over and over even though they know this person isn’t good for them. People find themselves shifting in and out of different nervous system states because they are triggered and they don’t even know it. Let’s talk about common trauma patterns in relationships and how to heal them!
What Are Common Trauma Patterns in Romantic Relationships?
Common trauma patterns in romantic relationships include hypervigilance, avoidance, people-pleasing, fear of intimacy or commitment, and explosive conflict. Let’s explore these trauma patterns.
Hypervigilance and Anxiety
Hypervigilance is a smart strategy for a nervous system that has been shocked or surprised but a scary event or events. Anxiety is a cousin to hypervigilance because it too is always asking “what if?”
In relationships, anxiety and hypervigilance can look like:
Mistrust of one partner despite any evidence of wrongdoing,
Fear of losing the other person
Worrying about the other person not being happy with them
We see this dynamic a lot with the partner who keeps asking the other “hey, what’s wrong?” about 42,000 times a day. They interpret even the most neutral cues as signs that something is wrong. Due to their trauma in the past, they have come to learn that staying on guard keeps them safe, and they have a hard time trusting that they don't have to be hypervigilant.
Avoidance and Emotional Distance
Avoidance and emotional distance are common trauma patterns we see in relationships. Often, these individuals learned to escape chaos by retreating.
The person who experiences avoidance and emotional distance probably had an emotionally turbulent upbringing with caregivers who couldn’t be relied on to help them much. They learned to escape chaos (emotional or physical) by retreating into themselves or into their own space. This person might feel really distant when a conflict arises and need a lot of time to process things.
They are essentially going into a shut down, or a dorsal freeze state. This happens when the nervous system learns that fight and/or flight mode isn’t going to work, and escaping mentally is really the only choice they have. The strategy of emotional distance, over time, becomes the go-to for any perceived threat in the relationship.
People-Pleasing / Fawning
Fawning is the avoidance of conflict by appeasing the other person. Fawning can often look like:
Having a difficult time saying no
Overextending oneself
Having a hard time asking for what you need
We see a lot of survivors of domestic violence that deal with this common trauma pattern. They really can’t fight, flee, or freeze too much or they will be punished. Instead, they have strategically learned that fawning is the most effective survival strategy.
If you are in a relationship with somebody who has these trauma patterns, you might find that you don’t know what they’re thinking or what they truly want a lot of the time. They might feel really warm and kind in the beginning of the relationship and then wonder if you have taken advantage of it after you really get to know them. They’re not being kind (even though they are great people). They’re in survival mode.
Fear of Intimacy or Commitment
The person who experiences fear of intimacy or commitment, while they desperately want intimacy (as it is a basic human need), they find themselves doing things to sabotage their connections. These people don’t even know why they are doing what they are doing – they feel helpless to stop it. It is a horrible cycle to be in.
Essentially, this person’s fight or flight response (the sympathetic nervous system’s role) responds when there is emotional intimacy.
Because of their past trauma, there has been fear associated with getting close to somebody. Therefore, subconsciously, they will push others away to protect themselves. This can look like push/pull cycles, like getting really close and then sabotaging it by being jealous or picking fights. It is important to remember that this person isn’t consciously engaging in this practice.
Explosive Conflict
One common trauma pattern in relationships is being overly explosive during conflict.
People’s fight response can be really active. This means that they show up to conflight “ready to go.” The person experiencing this type of trauma pattern might seem like they are constantly on edge or that they respond quickly or explosively in a conflict. Oftentimes, the person becomes easily emotionally flooded and has a hard time calming down because they are so activated. This can be scary for their partner.
The important thing to remember is that, again, they have learned that getting really “big” in arguments with other people scares them off and keeps them safe. This can absolutely destroy a relationship because it leaves the other person feeling really frightened and makes repair really challenging.
How Do I Address Common Trauma Patterns in Therapy?
Couples therapy is important to help create healthier dynamics in a relationship.
Should I Do Individual or Couples Therapy To Heal Trauma Patterns?
The first thing I would recommend is that the person who has experienced the trauma and is repeating the trauma pattern in the relationship should seek individual therapy either before or during the couples therapy.
Couples therapy will be important in order to help create healthier dynamics and repair strategies in the relationship, but until the traumatized individual works through their trauma, the dynamics might be really hard to change through willpower alone.
How Can Somatic Therapy Help Heal Trauma Patterns?
Somatic Experiencing helps people to be able to tolerate staying in the discomfort enough to not rely on old behavioral patterns to navigate relationship challenges. It helps people get to the subconscious nervous system material so that they can get out of fight/flight/freeze patterns. This allows for people to be more in the ventral vagal part of their nervous systems, which makes true connection with their partners possible.
If you are local to Kansas City and seeking a trauma-informed somatic therapist, reach out to us!
How Can EMDR Help Heal Trauma Patterns?
EMDR is great for helping people to renegotiate beliefs that keep them in these toxic relationship loops. Common beliefs that I see in therapy that particularly impact relationships are:
“I’m not good enough.”
“Nobody will ever stay.”
“I’m bad to my core. People should stay away.”
“I’m just too much.”
“I’m unloveable.”
By using bilateral stimulation, we can help people challenge these beliefs that are attached to old memories that have helped to create the belief. With successful treatment. People feel less activated by their old traumas and have a better, more adaptive belief about themselves or the world.
If you are local to Kansas City and seeking a trauma-informed EMDR therapist, let’s chat and explore how we can help you move past your trauma.
How Can Talk Therapy Help Heal Trauma Patterns?
Talk therapy is really helpful in the implementation of new skills. This looks like understanding how the trauma patterns have contributed to the relationships in that person's life. This also looks like implementing boundaries in order to protect that person. It looks like creating new coping skills to keep that person feeling present and to maintain energy levels.
If you are local to Kansas City and are seeking a trauma-informed talk therapist, reach out to us for more information about how we can help you break free of common trauma patterns in your relationship.
The Bottom Line: There Is Hope
If you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these common trauma patterns, know that there is hope! There is so much great work that can be done therapeutically to help people live with more ease in their inner lives and their relationships. You deserve to life a life full of vitality. Healing is possible!
Start Your Trauma Healing Journey With Somatic Therapy
At Embodied Healing KC, our trauma-informed therapists guide you with compassion and skill, helping you safely process emotions and build resilience. If you are ready to start healing from trauma and would like some support, reach out! Lauren Bradley has immediate openings and is ready to help you on your journey.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma Patterns In Relationships
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Common trauma patterns include hypervigilance, emotional distance, people-pleasing, fear of intimacy, and explosive conflict. These behaviors are protective responses shaped by past experiences and nervous system activation.
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Trauma affects relationships by disrupting emotional safety and communication. People may repeat familiar patterns from childhood, such as withdrawal, over-functioning, or conflict avoidance, without realizing they’re rooted in past trauma.
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Yes. Somatic therapy helps clients recognize body-based trauma responses like fight, flight, or freeze. By regulating the nervous system, clients can respond more calmly, stay present in relationships, and build deeper emotional connections.
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EMDR helps process traumatic memories and rewire negative beliefs like “I’m unlovable” or “No one will stay.” It uses bilateral stimulation to desensitize old emotional triggers, allowing healthier beliefs and relationship patterns to form.
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If you find yourself in the same painful dynamics, it may be because your nervous system is unconsciously seeking familiarity, even if it’s not healthy. Trauma-informed therapy helps break these cycles by increasing awareness and safety.
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Therapy helps partners understand each other’s trauma responses, improve communication, and co-regulate during conflict. With somatic therapy and EMDR approaches, couples can rebuild trust and create a secure, connected relationship.
Stevie Olson-Spiegel is a Licensed Therapist and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner located in Kansas City. She uses Somatic Experiencing as her main body-based trauma healing modality, as well as EMDR. As an Intuitive Eating Counselor, she uses these principles to help her clients challenge their relationship with their cultural misconceptions about their body and food.
