Giving Your Kids The Life You Never Had: Parenting Tips For Adults With Childhood Trauma
When you have experienced childhood trauma, parenting can be triggering. Here are helpful tips to overcome childhood trauma while parenting your own children.
We have all heard the idea of the need for us to “break the cycle” when it comes to parenting. We need to be able to parent better than our parents did, and their parents did before them. What happens, though, when a person who has experienced childhood trauma is trying to break the cycle while also feeling triggered by being a parent at times? Let’s talk!
What Is Childhood Trauma (and Why It Can Feel Confusing to Name)?
Trauma is defined by the American Psychological Association as “Any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning.” Childhood trauma is any trauma that takes place during childhood (which seems fairly obvious). However, most people don’t realize that childhood trauma can be tricky in that it:
Can be hard to remember
Happens at a time in which the brain is really malleable
Is often discredited by those who witnessed or caused it
Can create lifelong attachment struggles
When it comes time to parent, a lot of these qualities of childhood trauma affect a person’s parenting experience.
It is incredibly important to note here that traumatized individuals are absolutely not bad parents. In fact, some of the best parents I have ever known or worked with have their own experiences of childhood trauma. If the topic of childhood trauma and parenting feels tender, you are not alone and you deserve support that honors both your story and your nervous system.
Why Parenting Can Trigger Childhood Trauma
Sometimes, a parent who has had childhood trauma is activated by their child.
Most parents identify with their children in an empathetic way. We often hear about this in relation to parents who are overly-invested in their children’s sports careers – we say that they are “living vicariously through them” in this way. We live vicariously through our children in many different ways. For example, a parent who was bullied in middle school might be upset if their child comes home and says somebody was mean to them in school. Our experience and theirs might be really hard to separate.
This is what happens when a parent who has had childhood trauma is activated by their child. Subconsciously, if a child is the same age as when the parent’s trauma took place, this can activate the parent. It can trigger some feelings which make seeing their own child’s experience as their own difficult. It can bring up old feelings that they weren’t aware they had. From a trauma-informed lens, this can look like your nervous system shifting into survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) even when you logically know you are safe.
If you want a deeper overview of body-based trauma work, read about Somatic Therapy and our approach to trauma therapy services.
Common Parenting Triggers for Adults With Childhood Trauma
Triggers can be obvious (yelling, conflict) or surprisingly subtle (tone of voice, bedtime, sibling fights, a child’s crying, feeling touched-out). They often show up when you are depleted—sleep deprivation, sensory overwhelm, or chronic stress can lower your window of tolerance.
Signs Your Childhood Trauma May Be Showing Up in Your Parenting
Feeling emotionally activated for no reason
Being overly-protective of your child
Feeling directly impacted by things that happen to your child
Finding it hard to connect to your child in a certain stage/age
Feeling like a detective and checking in regularly with your child (feels anxious)
Note: just because you experience one or some of these doesn’t mean you are traumatized. There are plenty of other reasons why this might be happening. At the end of the day, parenting is hard!
If you’re noticing persistent reactivity, shutdown, panic, or shame cycles, it may be a sign your nervous system is asking for more support. You might also find it helpful to learn about trauma’s impact on the body from a credible overview like the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) or SAMHSA’s trauma resources.
If you live in Kansas City and want support, Embodied Healing offers trauma-informed therapy grounded in nervous system awareness. Learn more about working with a trauma-informed therapist or explore EMDR therapy as an option.
Practical, Trauma-Informed Tools for Self-Care and Support
1) Practice the Pause (Micro-Regulation)
Most behavioral change is possible because we can interrupt the habit of reacting. Pausing helps us to make a different choice that feels better to us and that we are proud of. Instead of being overly upset in front of your child, say, when they come home from school and say somebody was mean to them, try to notice what is happening in your body and mind and redirect the attention to your child. Notice how they are experiencing the event instead of how you are experiencing their event. This doesn’t happen unless a pause happens.
A quick tip for making the pause possible: practice mindfulness exercises. This helps you to catch internal signs that you are activated.
You can also try a simple grounding cue: feel both feet on the floor, name 3 things you can see, and exhale longer than you inhale (a gentle signal of safety to the body).
2) Self-Talk (Trauma-Informed Reframing)
The main tenet of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all interrelated. It is really hard to force yourself to do or feel something different, and it is much easier to try to think in a different way.
If you feel like you have some really self-bullying talk going on in your head about your capacity to be a parent, this is worth checking out! Try some thought reframing techniques. Here is a quick example:
Your child came home and said a kid was mean to her at school today. Your immediate thought to yourself was “I can’t do this. I can’t watch her be bullied like I was. I can’t survive this and neither will she.” Instead, practice the pause, and notice how this thought feels to have and how it is likely to influence your next move as a parent. Can you reframe your thought to something more realistic, like "I'm having a hard time hearing this from her because of my experiences in school. I can have a conversation with her now about her experience to give her a chance to tell me how this impacted her instead of assuming. It is hard but I know I can handle it because I’m an adult now and my child is well-resourced.”
3) Boundaries With Your Kids (Because Co-Regulation Requires Capacity)
Sometimes we need help realizing when we are maxxed out. Having boundaries with your kids is not a bad thing. It teaches them that other people have needs that need to be respected, too. It also gives them an example of how to set boundaries for themselves.
Helpful Ways Parents Can Set Boundaries
Here are some helpful ways for parents to set boundaries with their kids (which all depend on the age of kid, the temperament of the kid, and the needs of the parent):
“Mommy needs some time to herself. Can you play with your toys for 15 minutes while I lay next to you?”
“Dad needs to not be touched anymore right now. Wrestling is really fun but my body is starting to feel overwhelmed.”
“It is hurting my head how loud it is in here. Can we turn the volume down just a little bit?”
“It feels bad in my body to have to ask you multiple times to stop. I will ask one more time and if it is not respected I might need to move to the other room.”
“It is not my job to find something fun for you to do every minute of the day. I like coming up with fun ideas with you, and you need to entertain yourself right now.”
4) Time Outs (For You): Nervous System Recovery Time
Bottom line: you need time to feel like a person who exists outside of your role as a parent. Whether this is scheduled time every week, a date night with your partner, a small getaway, or prioritizing self-care after your kids go to bed, this is essential. If you need ideas, consider a therapist-backed list like the APA’s stress management tips.
5) Trauma Therapy (Support That Helps You Feel Less Reactive Over Time)
The best way to manage your triggers is to mitigate the amount of times they are popping up. Trauma therapy, such as EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, can help renegotiate trauma narratives and heal trauma symptoms so they don’t feel like they’re taking over anymore. If you’re looking for trauma therapy in Kansas City, you can explore Embodied Healing’s Somatic Experiencing®-informed therapy or learn more about EMDR therapy. If you are looking for trauma therapy, Embodied Healing has openings!
Start Your Trauma Healing Journey With Somatic Therapy
At Embodied Healing KC, our trauma-informed therapists guide you with compassion and skill, helping you safely process emotions and build resilience. If you are ready to start healing from trauma and would like some support, reach out! Trauma-informed therapist Lauren Bradley has immediate openings and is ready to help you on your journey.
Frequently Asked Questions About Parenting and Childhood Trauma
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Parenting is stressful for everyone, but triggers often feel sudden, intense, and disproportionate to the moment—like your body is back in an old experience. If reactions feel automatic, shame-filled, or hard to “think your way out of,” that can be a clue your nervous system is activated.
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Yes. Many people have fuzzy or limited memories, especially if trauma happened early. Your body may still carry implicit cues (sensations, emotions, threat responses) even without a clear narrative.
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Not necessarily. Many trauma-informed approaches, including somatic therapy, can support healing without retelling every detail. Therapy is paced for safety and choice.
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Somatic Experiencing® is a body-based trauma therapy approach that supports nervous system regulation. By learning to track sensations and build capacity, many people become less reactive and more resourced in stressful parenting moments.
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EMDR helps the brain and nervous system reprocess distressing memories so they feel less “alive” in the present. Many people notice fewer intense triggers and more emotional flexibility after EMDR work.
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If triggers are impacting your relationships, sleep, parenting confidence, or ability to feel present and self-help tools aren’t enough, therapy can be a supportive next step. You can start by exploring Embodied Healing’s services or new client options.
Stevie Olson-Spiegel is a Licensed Therapist and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner located in Kansas City. She uses Somatic Experiencing as her main body-based trauma healing modality, as well as EMDR. As an Intuitive Eating Counselor, she uses these principles to help her clients challenge their relationship with their cultural misconceptions about their body and food.
